Dec 2, 2012 – layperson life & enlightenment moments

this article is extremely harsh towards the styles of Buddhism that have been brought to North America. I understand, to a point, that they are watered down versions of Buddhist orthodoxy, but the people who pick up these books at indigos and Barnes & Nobles are not going to be particularly familiar with any Buddhist thoughts. They probably won’t feel encouraged by particularly difficult texts or unrelatable analogies, but being “present” and aware when washing the dishes is a completely attainable thing – which can help that person in the moment to stop fretting about their next task, or get caught up in their stories. And when they see the value in Buddhism-lite, maybe they will go pursue deeper teachings. Or seek out teachers & gurus.

I’ve always remembered my teacher in Nepal saying that while we as Buddhists may feel discouraged seeing our spiritual guides and aids as hokey mindless items, we should be grateful that we have all this “free publicity.” And honestly, I enjoy the fact that I can walk into a local gift shop and get a Buddha pen to use at work. It does actually help me stay present, which is extremely difficult when you are at work. I see the Buddha pen and remember some mantras and that I shouldn’t get caught up in work dramas or things I cannot change.

Choosing a laypersons life is something I have done, and these watered down versions of dharma help me immensely when I shift from work to parent to wife to daughter to friend, etc. and I’m grateful someone thinks that we can have a moment of enlightenment when washing the dishes.

Anyway, my teacher in Nepal told me that you have a moment of enlightenment when you orgasm (also fall asleep, sneeze), so that means my husband had a moment of enlightenment this morning but I did not. And I don’t think that’s true at all. I feel as though I too have been very present in my morning, despite not getting off.

Nov 14, 2012 – Online Friends

i’m enjoying being a part of online forums.  something i had done in the past, am trying to get into again.  participating with al-anon, buddhism, apartment therapy, and xojane.  helping me feel a bit more connected when life is too busy to go out and make new friends.

when i was younger and living with my parents, i had many online friends.  these were extremely satisfying friendships (in addition to ones i had in real life).  i’m hoping to make some more online friends again, as i’ve become more of a homebody now.

besides, you can really fine-tune your online friends to your specific interests, which is sort of the best part.  and with my phone, i can access those conversations whenever wherever i’d like.

Nov 13, 2012 – stresses manifesting in dreams

Had a very difficult weekend.  Personal life is chaotic, cold, distrusting.  Juggling so many things with limited hours, limited patience.  

Dreams are hyper-sexual, hyper-physical.  Very intimate close body contacts with many acquaintances (not sex, but sex-like).  Then, aggressive lesbian encounters.  

Missing intimacy and affection and love.  Remembering I deserve love, even though the person I live with seems to forget I need taking care of too.

A lot of dharma talks helping me get through all of this.  Remembering dharma, remembering refuge, remembering to take care of myself.  Trying to be here in this moment, in this day.

Nov 8th, 2012 – Gil Fronsdal – Precepts

Gil Fronsdal – Precepts

and so to live by the precepts is a protection and a support of the practice of mindfulness, for the practice of peace, for the practice of freedom. and the practice of mindfulness is a support for the precepts. The two go hand in hand.

days are getting more and more difficult as stresses are added and frustrations/desires build and build.  i need to remember that i’m at my best when i remember it’s just me.

Oct 26, 2012 – jobzes’ to hunt and own

Least fun thing: waiting for potential employers to contact you back regarding employment.  Personalized cover letters.  Hunting down individuals on the internet (ok, sort of fun/my forte).  Writing awesome stuff about myself (super fun).

Maybe i’ll make a thing of this, this looking for a job.

I am so professional.  I am so enthusiastic.  I am so detail-oriented.  And yes, I am so feeling flu-ish.

Right ear, clogging and unclogging with unknown substances.  If only earcandling was, y’know, real.

warm wormy fingahs

Oct 9, 2012 – packing, crying baby & red bull stratos

Busy, efficient day.

* the baby was extra attention seeking today. Distressed by the sound of unravelling packing tape, he pouted, wailed, and screamed. It is very difficult to pack when your baby is stressed out by packing.

* tried to watch Felix Baumgartner dive through the stratosphere. Unfortunately was delayed because of wind. Balloons are extremely difficult to work with, apparently.

I was looking up pictures of fractals and stumbled onto this, happily.

Xo.

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Oct 8th, 2012 – thanksgiving & agent provocateur & sugar daddy

A nice weekend, not a lot of stress despite the move coming up on Wednesday/Thursday. Managed to talk sugar daddy down a bit despite his stress and worry. Feel good to help him relax a bit. He knows we’ve planned as much as possible, and all that is left to do is the actual move + cleaning. Looking forward to being on the other side of the move.

So much food today. Literally did not watch what I ate. Cest la vie. I shall return to reasonable eating patterns tomorrow. It would be a shame to gain weight I put effort into losing. And a huge shame to lose a body I’m happy with.

Speaking of, I want.

Xo.

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Oct 7th, 2012 – thanksgiving long weekend – 1st post

Douchey boyfriend and I have been getting along very well. Uncharacteristically so. This is good, we must’ve both grown tired of fighting for the last year. Moved in a year and a month ago after finding out I was pregnant. Been rocky, filled with yelling, crying, threats, walk-outs. I believe we both do love each other (and the sex can’t be beat). So, I’m very glad we are at a new level.

* Working on self motivation now, to make sure I get some writing AND reading in each day. And make friends. And watch good movies. And play with my son.

* lost a lot of weight. Finally happy with my body, mostly. Want to get a toned flatter stomach. Hope I can make time after the move. Thank you no beer no pot for the weight loss, plus more portion control.

* weird spending family holidays with non-vegetarians. “What can you eat?” I don’t eat animals. So, mostly everything. I eat and love to eat mostly everything. “Haha it’s not that you don’t wanna eat animals it’s that you hate vegetables and wanna devour them, amirite??” O yr very fun sir but no I love vegetables and want their soft crunched munched bolus to slide down my skinny little neck and land safely and securely in the acidic pool of my tum-tum.

Xo.

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